When I was 7 years old, I got hit by a boy because he butted in front of me in the line, and I told him to go to the back.
{Developing Subconscious Pattern: If you stand up for yourself, you’re going to get hit or punished. Men are more powerful than women.}
When I was 10 years old, I woke up my mom to ask her for permission to go out and hang out with the other kids. She was tired, and groggy, and upset that I woke her up, and proceeded to spank me for disturbing her sleep.
{Developing Subconscious Pattern: It’s not okay to ask for what you want. When you speak up, you receive pain. Don’t challenge.}
When I was 28 years old, I dated a very toxic person with narcissistic, borderline personality disorder traits. I gave up my friends, who I was, my gifts, my heart, my everything… In an effort to show my love to someone who couldn’t love himself, let alone me.
{Developing Subconscious Pattern: If you are yourself, they leave you. You’re too much. Tone it down, stop standing out. You’re going to get abandoned.}
When I was 29 years old, I worked part-time under someone who was so afraid of going out into the world, had made the world so wrong and bad, that I couldn’t bring my own food, I couldn’t wear perfume, I couldn’t do anything other than what he wanted me to do, and how he wanted things to be done – including the food I ate.
{Developing Subconscious Pattern: You need to shut up and put up with it if you want to keep this job. You can’t tell him he’s dysfunctional, because he’s going to lose it, and maybe hit you, like that other boy when you were younger, or your ex who didn’t hit you, but was abusive in practically every other way.}
My ENTIRE life has been a litany of strangers, acquaintances, lovers and family ALL SERVING me to speak my truth about everything that I constantly felt and intuited, but didn’t have the courage to speak up about.
I had phases in life where I would speak up more than others, but ultimately, the turning point was the last 3 years (being 27-30). More and more things would pop up for me to speak up about, and stop shutting my mouth in an effort to “protect myself” and “keep safe”.
The subconscious fears that I had about speaking up felt real, i.e. “I’m going to get punished/hit/feel pain if I say this”. But an even WORSE pain was the pain I was feeling every time I DIDN’T speak up, and didn’t listen to my intuition about what needed to be said.
Because in doing that, I was betraying my inner knowing. I was betraying my gifts. I was betraying my truth & intuition.
I was betraying myself.
I travelled to Romania this April to see my family there. My mom offered to take care of my usual dental check-ups, which was something she knew I needed because of something a dentist said in December.
I discovered then that I have this giant cyst building in my upper jaw, eating my jaw bone away. Basically, a self-sufficient benign tumor was inhabiting my body. I didn’t know it ever existed because I felt no physical pain.
However, all the emotional (energy in motion) pain that I was feeling ALL these years EVERY time I DIDN’T speak my truth…. My body felt. And internalized. Over time, this cyst was created in my mouth, literally eating away at my truth that I wasn’t speaking.
I asked 3 different Dentists, 2 Root Canal Specialists and 2 Surgeons WHY this was there. They couldn’t identify the cause. But they all confirmed one thing – for it to be as Big as it is… it had been there for 10, 20 years.
Intuitively, I knew the cause. Nothing in the outside world shows up without having been created on the inside first. I was seeing the Effect: the cyst. The Cause was me.
The Cause was me not using my mouth to communicate the inner truth that was yelling inside of me all this time to be spoken. Suppressing it, and holding it back, created this pressure, that ultimately turned into something bigger.
The last 3 years, which coincidentally, are also the 3 years that I’ve been in business and diving deep into what it means to be myself… are the years where I have been mega forced to speak my truth a lot more.
To leave the ex behind. I loved him more than anyone, but the longer I stayed with him, the less I loved myself, and damaged myself as a result.
To leave the boss behind. To walk away from a dysfunctional environment and believe in myself that the little $$ I made there to give me a sense of stability and security, I could get through my business, and needn’t spend a second longer tolerating orders on what I could do and what I couldn’t do, what I was allowed to be and wasn’t allowed to be, to allow someone’s dysfunctional view of their world continue.
To let go of feeling afraid to speak up. I started challenging myself to say things, even if they felt uncomfortable. I was SO afraid of arguments and confrontation, and I knew I had to embrace it, and OWN my POWER in them. Not for the sake of arguing (I know better), but for the sake of feeling good about myself that I said what needed to be said.
To challenge my clients and call on their bullshit. I got to be a LOT more effective as a coach the moment I began to call my clients out immediately on things they did. I used to be afraid of losing them if I did that. I’m not anymore, because I understand I am here to serve them, and serving them means waking them up, through whatever means necessary, whether they like it or not. They pay me to bring success to their awareness, and that happens by coming face to face with things that aren’t always pleasant, but 300% necessary for their breakthrough.
To cut out all my options for safety and security other than my business. It’s been a big step, but it’s become non-negotiable. I am no longer willing to work for anyone else other than the god-given purpose I was given to fulfill on this planet.
In these 3 years, my whole reality has been challenged, pushed to its limits, broken down, re-created, destroyed, re-born, and so on.
I didn’t ‘feel’ the cyst physically until this time because I only started stepping into my truth much more powerfully in the last 3 years, but particularly in the last year.
A friend of mine who does PsychoSomatic training mentioned that it’s on the left side of my mouth, and connected to the right side of my brain, which is my creative side.
{ I’m creating a NEW REALITY for myself, in which there is room for my Truth. Room for my Needs. Room for my “too-muchness”. Room for my Gifts. Room for my Love. Room for Safety. Room for Abundance.
Room enough in this world for me to be ME, and tell anyone else who doesn’t like it to Fuck off.
Creating my new reality has involved me speaking my truth and going against all the subconscious programming (up above) that I’ve internalized over the years through upbringing, people, circumstances and events. }
As I’ve stepped into it more powerfully, and stopped compromising my divine essence, it’s been flaring up considerably.
The cyst represents my old programming – locked in my body still. It’s the Subconscious resistance that is still trying to “keep me safe” and stop me from moving forward in the BIG way that I am.
All the growth and steps forward and breaking through subconscious barriers that I’ve done since I started my entrepreneurial and inner journey in 2012 has been pushing the cyst to the surface.
As you receive this email, I’m literally on my way to the operating table, to have the cyst in my upper jaw removed. I’m scared shitless, but I am ***so*** grateful for it too.
I release it with love, because it was there to serve me all this time, to speak up, and fully OWN my VOICE, MY POWER & MY TRUTH.
By removing it, I am now releasing a big part of myself – my OLD self – that I’m also letting go.
Growth is a beautiful thing, cysts and all.
xo
PS. I decided to share my own story, however personal, of what REAL GROWTH looks like, and some of the obstacles that you have to transcend when you go on this inner journey of knowing yourself, and bringing all that you are into this world. I do this with my clients on a daily basis, and we break through limitations just like the one that I’ve outlined here of my own. If you’re struggling with anything – speaking your truth, illness, feeling stuck, lacking knowledge or understanding of certain things, not having money, struggling, etc…
You’re not alone. There’s always help. But you have to want to go through the process of growing through it.
I’m about to have my gums open and jaw drilled to bring my TRUE self forth.
What are you willing to do?
